American Grimoire

Good day ladies & gents. It is I, your friendly, neighborhood Roy. For far too long I have lambasted and ridiculed “cyber-sex” afficionados. I have done this because they are completely ridiculous bastards.

Well, perhaps I was being a tad too hard on them.

It’s recently occurred to me that the phrase “don’t knock it till you try it” comes into play. How can I continually bash these braindead fleshsacks if I’ve never even tried cybering?

In that vein, I ask that you all support me in PROJECT: Cyber-Sex. What I’ll need for this experiment is a willing female (or at least a really convincing male). At some point over the next couple days, me and said lady will do what the slack-jawed masses call “cyber-sex” over IM. We shall save copies of this “cyber-sex” and each post our opinions of the experience online.

I feel that this is important to do, since it will provide me with first-hand experience through which I can use to diss cyber-sexers even more. However, if by some freak chance, it really is “kewl,” “l33t,” or “r0xorz,” I shall happily eat crow and chime “Cyber-sex, ftw!” from the rooftops.

Do I have a volunteer? Cyber-sex virgin like myself preferred.

UPDATE:
The cyber-sex project is in jeopardy as it’s recently been pointed out to me that people who “cyber” are expected to masturbate while they “cyber.” I did not know this. This has immediately created in my mind about 20 billion more jokes. Exactly how the fuck do people masturbate AND type? I mean, I can’t imagine any two more opposite things on the arousal spectrum than holding a keyboard in one hand and my dick in the other. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

At any rate, the project is still on, but masturbation is clearly optional (this researcher will be abstaining, thankyouverymuch). I’m assuming the cyber experience will last about…I dunno…10 mins? I mean, this isn’t Paris in the springtime, it’s a keyboard at midnight.

Here ye, here ye!

Me being the guru of sexual magnetism that I am, women the world over flock to me with their questions. Now when I’m not deflowering virgins, I try to take a little time out of my busy cunnilingus-filled day to answer some of the more interesting ones.
Q: Dear Roy The Sex-God, what do I have to do to make my online pics hotter w/o being too slutty?
A: Put your finger in your mouth. Trust me. You’ll only look goofy to other chicks.

Q: Dear Roy The Man-Candy, what’s the best way to find the man of my dreams?
A: Heh, you just found him sugar. I’ll be the wind beneath those wings, if ya know what I mean.

Q: Dear Roy The Founder of Lust-Ruckus-2006, why do I always attract the worst men?
A: That’s clearly indicative of a psychological defect on your part. I recommend an in-depth internal probe conducted on-site by yours truly. You can swing by about midnight or so…

Q: Dear Roy The Mighty Geyser of Love Honey, I’m going out on a blind date and I can’t decide what to wear. Should I go preppy, sleazy, or maybe casual?
A: Show cleavage. Everything else is optional.

Q: Dear Roy The Vibrating-Universal-Membrane-of-Love, why can’t I seem to get laid?
A: Huh? That is weird. Lemme check out yer pic—-AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! SWEET JEEZUS! MY EYES!!

Roy The Masturbatory Magnate has graciously made himself open to questions from his frothing audience. Ask away. Or turn into a cat lady. Your choice.

Dear friends,
It’s recently come to my attention that a self-appointed clique of supposed “scientists” seeks to strip Pluto of it’s title as a planet. Surely this is madness and folly. What’s next? Legalized bestiality in mall food courts?! I have no doubt that the real reason for this planet-stripping-attempt is in fact part of a wider political agenda orchestrated by the bloated energy industry! Or possibly the pharmaceutical industry as we all know that mining for chemicals is cheaper on bodies not defined as planets. Whatever.

In light of this Plutonic brouhaha, it’s occurred to me that the reason Pluto is in the cross-hairs is because it’s an easy target. Just a typical case of interplanetary bullying that’s all too common in these troubled times. You may ask yourself ’why aren’t the other planets up for reconsideration?’ Well, I’ll tell ya why…

Mercury: Shortest year, speediest orbit. One side of him is almost absolute zero and the other side blazing hot. Sounds like a bipolar case to me. Fast too. Wouldn’t take much to tip him into the homicidal (planecidal?) category. The planets actually sent someone to tell this runt he wasn’t a planet before(see “Asteroid Belt”).Now they just leave him be…

Venus: Molten surface, 24/7 acid rain, average temp could melt lead… Rumor has it she had a moon, but it got on her nerves once.ONCE.

Earth: Flower-child of the system. If it went away, where would the other planets buy their moonshine and weed?

Mars: Named for the God of War. They say it’s surface is red because of iron oxidization. Right. Sure.

Asteroid Belt: Was once a planet till it talked some smack to Mercury. The other planets don’t like to talk about what happened…

Jupiter: Mobster of the system. As big as 1000 earths. Has a crew of like 19 moons. You try telling it what it is to it’s face.

Saturn: Pretty boy of the system. Loves to model. Totally maxed out on groupies, has like 20 moons.

Uranus: Smells like ass. The other planets tell it it’s a planet just to keep it downwind in the back areas of the system.

Pluto: Old man. Has 3 teeny-weeny moons. Minds his own business. Easy to pick on.

EDIT: One of my more astute readers pointed out to me that I had forgotten the planet Neptune. To Neptune, I apologize. The list should henceforth include the following entry:

Neptune: Everyone always forgets it’s a planet anyways, so who cares?