http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/parasite-makes-men-dumb-women-sexy/2006/12/26/1166895290973.html
Unbelievable, but true. One wonders just how many problems in our world today (war, irrational behavior, etc…) are aggravated (or even caused) by this parasite. 40 percent of the globe infected!
1st PLACE – Lucien Soulban: Let me ask you this, how can *anyone* write bad (and I mean awful) VAMPIRE love scenes?? Well, ladies & gents, this man has accomplished that feat. If real vampires exist, please, you must kill this man.
2nd PLACE – Terry Goodkind: I hate this man’s writing with a passion. He’s an awful, long-winded hack.
3rd PLACE – Robert Jordan: I only made it halfway through his first book. He’s cut from the same cloth as Goodkind. I just wanna put his hands in a nutcracker and horribly mangle them so he can never type again!
Notable Mention – Trudi Canavan: She would be tied for 3rd, but at least she redeemed herself (barely) by making the stories engaging.
I’m sure I’ll think of more, but that’s it for now. What author do you really hate?
P.S.–the only good thing about these pricks is that it shows that anyone can get publish
So I was at Chuck E Cheese’s on Saturday…
1.) On A Mission
There he was, sweat on his brow, intense concentration (the kind normally reserved for disarming nuclear weapons) on his face, white-knuckled as his hands gripped the dual joysticks of the Star Wars pod-racing video game. Oblivious to the anaconda-like line of people snaking out behind him and uncaring that a cauldron of hateful stares was churning around him, he continued to pump token after token into the machine in his unholy quest for level 18.
2.) Life, Love, and Work
People have a dating pattern. A typical template forged sometime in their younger years that they tend to seek out their whole lives unless they work hard to change it.
I figure the same is true in 3 areas: environmental, dating, and occupational. Gettin heavy, but stay with me with here.
Know the dating/lover template I already mentioned? Same principle applies to your ‘hood or your city. There’s certain areas (the country, NYC, LA, San Francisco, Dallas, suburbs, etc…) that just appeal to you as a person. And there’s areas within those areas (mountains, south Midtown, East Beach, Hollywood, etc…) that appeal to you even more. That great feeling you get when you find your “area” is your environmental template.
Same deal with occupational. When your work is your life and there is no clear boundary between the two, when you truly love what you do, that’s when you know you’ve found your occupational template.
For maximum long-term happiness, I guess I should work at all 3 of my templates.
3.) Santa, the Horrible Truth
Grandma did not get run over by a reindeer. It was Santa. He simply couldn’t have Mrs Klaus finding out about the affair.
4.) Mining for Gold in Them Thar Hills
Dating is a numbers game. Quantity until you find quality.
5.) Kool-Aid rocks, but sometimes we just add too much sugar. This truism can be applied in many circumstances.
6.) The Skee-Ball Queen
They she stood, eagerly towering behind children a third her size. Shifting from foot to foot, she impatiently eyed every single ball the children threw, waiting for one of the kiddies to get bored.
A kindergartener moved on and the big woman muscled her way in, her fat ass easily displacing the two kids at the lanes on either side of her. With a satisfied huff she set down a massive cup of tokens, cracked her knuckles, and started playing skee-ball.
7.) Know When to Hold ‘em and When to Fold ‘em
In 21st Century America, with its’ declining birthrate and superior social networking, Friends are the New Family. Know which friends to hold onto and work to bridge the gaps that time creates between you and them. Also, know when to let go of someone who’s more memory than friend. But always hold onto at least one friend from every stage of your life. You’ll thank yourself later, I think.
8.) Is there such a thing as an introverted extrovert?
Because that’s what I am. In a new situation or with a new group, I go into introverted mode. After enough time in the new group of people (this can take minutes or days), I explode into extroversion. I used to think of myself as a “crock-pot.” I’m thinking now that a “time-delay microwave” would maybe be more accurate.
Ok, so you’re a single 20-something guy. Word life homey. You can cook Ramen noodles and microwave dinners, but that’s about it. Let’s face it, you’re in desperate need of a cooking guide. But wait, what if you’re a vegetarian too? HA! Yeah, you’re so totally boned.
I was in the same shoes several years ago, it’s part of the reason why I gave up on vegetarianism then. I lived off the most basic of basic food staples for about a year and a half. Well, recently I came back to veggie’ism, a little older and a little wiser, more-or-less determined to be a little more robust this time around, and bless your lucky stars, cause I’m takin you along for the ride! In that vein, as I experiment with new dishes (food, not women), I’ll post the recipes here, translated into single 20′something guy terms. Obviously, women can use this as well, just don’t be insulted if it seems as if I’m talking down to you. I’m not, it’s just that many 20′something guys really, truly do not know even the most basic things about cooking (hell, many women these days may not come to think of it).
But before we do anything, we gotta establish some things.
1.) If you know a young, struggling (they’re all struggling) veggie, give them this link.
2.) To be a veggie means you MUST be experimental with food and you MUST learn to cook. Sorry.
3.) Why are you a vegetarian? Healthy lifestyle? Religion? Philosophy? I’m not shooting for max healthiness here, so modify the recipes to suit yourself if you are.
4.) THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO COOK FOOD. If you get the wild idea to throw some tabasco sauce on brussel sprouts, go to town son. It doesn’t matter how badly you think you’ve screwed up, cause I guarantee you that someone, somewhere would love your nasty, burnt creation.
5.) Speed man speed! All these recipes are gonna be souped-up and turbo-charged for MAX speed. One, cause I’m lazy and hate cooking (though cooking with a gf can be very fun). And two, cause I’m sure you’re busy as hell and don’t have much time for alot of advanced stuff.
6.) Common sense here. If you somehow manage to kill yourself in the making of this food, you’re an idiot and prolly deserved to bite the big one. Long live evolution. I take no responsibility for anything. If you have to ask yourself “is this clean” then it ain’t clean. There’s no sniff-test in food prep.
7.) If you’re a vegetarian chick (or meat-lover who wants to break me—i’m a pushover for pork roast) who lives within reasonable distance of me, message me. Now, goddam you. Yes, this is a signed invitation.
K, so today we’re all about spaghetti.
—Spaghetti with Garlic and Oil
Prep:
1.) Go to a grocery store. This is a large building that typically houses all manner of vials, bottles, and other strange artifacts that confound you. It’s the place you go to when you want to view a wider beer selection.
2.) If you don’t have one, you’ll need to buy a pot. Not “pot” mind you, but A pot. You can find this in the food store as well. You’ll want one that is about a hand-and-a-half deep and wide.
3.) Optional: buy a pasta scoop as well. It’s like this thing that would have been a spatula but some cruel god warped it into a spoon looking thing with teeth. Yeah, I know all these purchases are cutting into your beer money, that’s why this one is optional. But just remember, if you don’t have a pasta scooper thing, then you’re gonna need some manner of stick to stir and scoop with.
4.) Buy spaghetti (or linguine if ya want). It’s this long hard skinny stuff that comes in a foot-long cardboard box. For this recipe, I recommend you try to find some that has thinner strands (it’ll say something similar to “thin” on the box). Oh yeah, you’ll need 1 pound’s worth (16 ounces).
5.) Buy 3 garlic cloves. These are bizaare-looking things that you probably can’t find on your own. Go to the area that seems to have lots of fruits and whatnot and just start randomly asking people if they’ve seen “garlic cloves.” Sooner or later you’ll hit paydirt, but don’t leave just yet. Since you’re in the area, you’ll want to snag:
6.) Optional: Buy 1 dried red chile pepper. Just look for all these shriveled-up vegetable looking things. Dried red chile pepper’s are frequently not named the same from store to store, so this is gonna be a toughie, but with some perseverance (and the help of those guys with nametags who spend like 5 hours filling up one teeny rack of apples), you can prolly find this bad boy. We’re all counting on you.
7.) Buy olive oil. Yes, there is something real called this. It’s not just popeye’s girl. It typically comes in a glass bottle.
8.) Buy some salt and black pepper. Yeah, something really cheap for a change!
9.) Buy a large skillet. This is found in the same area as the pot. Basically, it’s a pan that’s about two inches deep and about 2 hands wide.
9.5) Optional: Buy a strainer. It’s this plastic bowl thing with holes. You’ll know it when you see it.
Cookin Time:
10.) Wash your hands. You do have soap, right?
11.) Take apart the garlic cloves. You’ll know what I mean by “take apart” when you try. Peel away the outer layers and rip off the, uh, stalk-looking thing up top to reveal these hidden egg or ball-type things. Those are the suckers ya want.
12.) Chop those egg-sack-lookin-things up son! You prolly don’t have a cutting board, so use a plate. Try to cut ‘em up as thinly as possible.
13.) Put the skillet on the stove on medium heat. Let it sit for a couple mins for the heat to warm the pan uniformly.
14.) Toss in 3 tablespoons of olive oil.
15.) Toss in the chopped-up garlic.
16.) Take the seeds outta the red pepper (I chop it into 4 parts and shake them out myself) and chuck that bad boy in as well. NOT the seeds. They go in the trash. Unless you wanna include ‘em. Who knows, it may rock.
17.) Basically, continuously stir until the garlic turns a pale blond color (about 2-3 mins). If you used it, pick out the chili pepper and trash it.
18.) K, you’re done with this part. Meanwhile you shoulda been workin the spaghetti angle over on another burner…
19.) Fill up the pot with 6 quarts of water. If you don’t have a little measuring cup thingee, well…fuq it…just fill the pot up like halfway.
20.) Turn the stove on high and boil the water. When it hits boiling, stir in 2 or 3 tablespoons of salt…or 4 even, I don’t care.
21.) Dump the spaghetti in. It’ll prolly be stickin up and all. Give it 15 seconds or so to soften then use your pasta scoop (or stick) to push those rebels down into the mix.
22.) Give it another 15 seconds or so, stir the pasta a lil, then put the lid on (you DID get a pot with a lid right?). Don’t cover the pot completely, cause the cauldron will boil over. Don’t ask me why. I think String Theory explains it.
23.) Keep stirring it periodically (if ya don’t, the spaghetti sticks together).
24.) After 4 or 5 mins, start periodically plucking out a spaghetti strand and trying it. You’ll know it’s done when it’s no longer stiff, but still has some strength to it. Also, it’ll lose all taste of flour and start tasting kinda…buttery…I guess. But whatever you do, don’t overcook it.
25.) Scoop out about a half-cup (two shot glasses) of spaghetti water and dump it into the pan with the garlic and oil.
26.) Drain the spaghetti. This is gonna be tricky if you didn’t buy the strainer…time to improvise!
27.) Dump the drained spaghetti in the pan with the garlic, water, and oil and stir, stir, stir.
28.) Put some on plates and use pepper and salt to individually season it to the individual’s taste.
Oh yeah, this makes a lot of food. Like enough for a few people at least. Good luck!
Ok, let’s be blunt. Sometimes you’re at work and as much as you want to deny it, you have to “take the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl.” So you go to the restroom. It’s empty, you pick the stall farthest in, tucked in the back with only one other stall next to it.
“Good,” you think. Au contraire, mon ami.
Scenario 1) You’re sitting down for no more than 30 seconds and someone walks in and despite there being FIVE OTHER EMPTY STALLS, chooses to sit in the one RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. Grrr. I just want to shout out, “WTF is wrong with you?!”
Scenario 2) Someone sits down in a stall as far from you as possible, yet despite the distance you can hear them grunting and groaning so loudly it sounds like they’re in some VietCong torture chamber. I just want to shout out, “WTF is wrong with you?! Just do your business quietly!!” I mean, COME ON, this isn’t a goddam sporting event or anything.
Scenario 3) Then there are some folks who are just plain repulsive. You purposely avoid a stall because you see the toilet seat is urine-stained and/or covered with god-knows-what. But guess what? That doesn’t seem to stop the filthy prick who wanders in seconds after you and with nary an attempt to clean the seat, plops down happily. I just want to shout out, “WTF is wrong with you?!”
Scenario 4) The scholar, ah, the scholar. They sit there, gleefully ensconced in a public restroom stall, flipping through every page in whatever god-awful magazine they’ve drug into there with them. WHY?! WHY NOT JUST READ IT AT YOUR DESK?! Why do you have so much time on your hands that you have nothing better to do than lounge around on an uncomfortable plastic seat for 30 minutes reading Newsweek? You want escapism? GO FOR A DAMN WALK!
Scenario 5) The worst of all worlds. Clearly some higher power hates you if this occurs. This is a combination of all the above.
Check out the link. There will be 30 million more men than women in China by 2020. Hmmm. Seems to me that, historically speaking, surplus boys go to war…
SQL Server 2000 is a pesky animal when it comes to making a copy of a database. Here’s the code I use. Use the name of your database files of course. You shouldn’t need to change any code at all after the 17th line or so. Cheers!
USE master
GO
– the original database (use ‘SET @DB = NULL’ to disable backup)
DECLARE @DB varchar(200)
SET @DB = ‘COIL’
– the backup filename
DECLARE @BackupFile varchar(2000)
SET @BackupFile = ‘d:\db_backups\coil_db_200709070200.bak’
– the new database name
DECLARE @TestDB varchar(200)
SET @TestDB = ‘COILDEV’
– the new database files without .mdf/.ldf
DECLARE @RestoreFile varchar(2000)
SET @RestoreFile = ‘d:\db_backups\coil_db_200709070200′
– ****************************************************************
– no change below this line
– ****************************************************************
DECLARE @query varchar(2000)
DECLARE @DataFile varchar(2000)
SET @DataFile = @RestoreFile + ‘.mdf’
DECLARE @LogFile varchar(2000)
SET @LogFile = @RestoreFile + ‘.ldf’
IF @DB IS NOT NULL
BEGIN
SET @query = ‘BACKUP DATABASE ‘ + @DB + ‘ TO DISK = ‘ + QUOTENAME(@BackupFile, ””)
EXEC (@query)
END
– RESTORE FILELISTONLY FROM DISK = ‘C:\temp\backup.dat’
– RESTORE HEADERONLY FROM DISK = ‘C:\temp\backup.dat’
– RESTORE LABELONLY FROM DISK = ‘C:\temp\backup.dat’
– RESTORE VERIFYONLY FROM DISK = ‘C:\temp\backup.dat’
IF EXISTS(SELECT * FROM sysdatabases WHERE name = @TestDB)
BEGIN
SET @query = ‘DROP DATABASE ‘ + @TestDB
EXEC (@query)
END
RESTORE HEADERONLY FROM DISK = @BackupFile
DECLARE @File int
SET @File = @@ROWCOUNT
DECLARE @Data varchar(500)
DECLARE @Log varchar(500)
SET @query = ‘RESTORE FILELISTONLY FROM DISK = ‘ + QUOTENAME(@BackupFile , ””)
CREATE TABLE #restoretemp
(
LogicalName varchar(500),
PhysicalName varchar(500),
type varchar(10),
FilegroupName varchar(200),
size int,
maxsize bigint
)
INSERT #restoretemp EXEC (@query)
SELECT @Data = LogicalName FROM #restoretemp WHERE type = ‘D’
SELECT @Log = LogicalName FROM #restoretemp WHERE type = ‘L’
PRINT @Data
PRINT @Log
TRUNCATE TABLE #restoretemp
DROP TABLE #restoretemp
IF @File > 0
BEGIN
SET @query = ‘RESTORE DATABASE ‘ + @TestDB + ‘ FROM DISK = ‘ + QUOTENAME(@BackupFile, ””) +
‘ WITH MOVE ‘ + QUOTENAME(@Data, ””) + ‘ TO ‘ + QUOTENAME(@DataFile, ””) + ‘, MOVE ‘ +
QUOTENAME(@Log, ””) + ‘ TO ‘ + QUOTENAME(@LogFile, ””) + ‘, FILE = ‘ + CONVERT(varchar, @File)
EXEC (@query)
END
To make a long story short, we have several legacy DTS packages running on SQL Server that are executed via a batch file or a command script in SQL Agent. The code normally looks something like this
DTSRun /~Z0xDECE772DF6021A7ED260B31A2A37454F9614F6426C26B75B35481216F12946BB2ED19 DC1E116ECD0C39E279544DAEE48E088FCE1CD35D0A1A99E11530ED82E9E97FF95CD4ECB7AD5D56F66CA8CC060E3 E08B99BF3478B3DF4ADFD1912C097B77C9C2C44419F78FC5C7B6E8A269A9840E5387B48AB10106F2AECEDBE59C1DB 35A7811F81D04ABF01F5E67C148778028B165D51BDF88DEE3CBF8F7582B6CA554D826B9BB
Unfortunately I had no way of knowing exactly which DTS package the above code was referring to! Fortunately, there’s a way. Here’s how.
1) Go to the DOS command prompt and enter in your DTSRun code just like above but add the switches /!X /!C at the end. It will look like this:
DTSRun /~Z0xDECE772DF6021A7ED260B31A2A37454F9614F6426C26B75B35481216F12946BB2ED19 DC1E116ECD0C39E279544DAEE48E088FCE1CD35D0A1A99E11530ED82E9E97FF95CD4ECB7AD5D56F66CA8CC060E3 E08B99BF3478B3DF4ADFD1912C097B77C9C2C44419F78FC5C7B6E8A269A9840E5387B48AB10106F2AECEDBE59C1DB 35A7811F81D04ABF01F5E67C148778028B165D51BDF88DEE3CBF8F7582B6CA554D826B9BB
/!X /!C
2) Hit “Enter” and let it run. After it finishes, right-click and select “paste” in the DOS command window and the info will appear. It will come out in this format:
DTSRun /S "<server>\<instance>" /U "<uid>" /P "<pwd>" /N "<package name>" /!X /!C
Enjoy!
OK, I’ve encountered this issue enough in my work that I’ve decided to post about it. Let’s say you use the “export to excel” code I provided in an earlier post but it keeps bombing out with various errors. These errors are normally a result of having the gridview and “export” button inside of an AJAX.NET update panel. TIP: Try placing the button outside the update panel. Errors are also generated sometimes when master pages are used. Regardless, here’s an alternative method I use to export to excel which WORKS with master pages. 
1) Open a blank website in Visual Studio and create a gridview that pulls data from a table using a sqldatasource. Drop a button somewhere and call it “btnExport”. Easy-peasy.
2) In the code behind, use this code.
protected void btnExport_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
Export();
}
protected void Export()
{
if (this.Gridview1.Rows.Count > 65535)
{
//lblMessage.Text = “Export to excel is not allowed due to excessive number of rows”;
return;
}
string filename = String.Format(“Results_{0}_{1}.xls”, DateTime.Today.Month.ToString(), DateTime.Today.Year.ToString());
Response.Clear();
Response.ClearHeaders();
Response.AddHeader(“Content-Disposition”, “attachment;filename=” + filename);
Response.Charset = “”;
// SetCacheability is frequently used in export functions, but here it doesn’t seem to make a difference so I took it out
//Response.Cache.SetCacheability(System.Web.HttpCacheability.NoCache);
Response.ContentType = “application/vnd.xls”;
System.IO.StringWriter stringWriter = new System.IO.StringWriter();
System.Web.UI.HtmlTextWriter htmlWriter = new HtmlTextWriter(stringWriter);
// Replace all gridview controls with literals
ClearControls(this.Gridview1);
System.Web.UI.HtmlControls.HtmlForm form = new System.Web.UI.HtmlControls.HtmlForm();
Controls.Add(form);
form.Controls.Add(this.Gridview1);
form.RenderControl(htmlWriter);
Response.Write(stringWriter.ToString());
Response.End();
}
private void ClearControls(Control control)
{
for (int i = control.Controls.Count – 1; i >= 0; i–)
{
ClearControls(control.Controls[i]);
}
if (!(control is TableCell))
{
if (control.GetType().GetProperty(“SelectedItem”) != null)
{
LiteralControl literal = new LiteralControl();
control.Parent.Controls.Add(literal);
try
{
literal.Text =(string)control.GetType().GetProperty(“SelectedItem”).GetValue(control, null);
}
catch
{ }
control.Parent.Controls.Remove(control);
}
else if (control.GetType().GetProperty(“Text”) != null)
{
LiteralControl literal = new LiteralControl();
control.Parent.Controls.Add(literal);
literal.Text =(string)control.GetType().GetProperty(“Text”).GetValue(control, null);
control.Parent.Controls.Remove(control);
}
}
return;
}
It’s true. I took down all but one bit of aging flash fic to ensure compatibility with some publisher requirements. Who knows, I might submit something someday!
The clock strikes 9:00am and there he/she is, your workplace archnemesis… Normally this cubicle challenger is met with your disdain (sprinkled with barely concealed loathing). Normally you plan your day well in advance, plotting minor passive-aggressive antagonisms to unleash upon the Hated. But not this day! No, for this day—horror of horrors!—you both come in wearing the same OUTFIT. Not just a matching outfit mind you, but the SAME one.
Oh no! The workplace meeting moth has spotted you two as you eye each other. The meeting moth hurls herself in your direction and begins her litany of cliches. “Did you two plan this?” and “How come I didn’t get the memo?” and worst of all “You’re like twins!”
Then the chunky guy with the 20 kabillion megapixel cellphone ambles over. “I gotta take a pic of this!” he says as he pulls the massive camera/video/laptop/music/automobile/wi-fi/gps/neighborhood-deli cellphone out of his man bag.
Thus you are forced to stand next to your despised corp mate, both with feigned and bitter smiles, while the meeting moth stands behind you both making some ridiculous expression (with optional dual rabbitt ear ears).
The clock strikes 8:03am. Never a good start to the day.
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